I want to have long, winded conversations with you about how the boys are. Because they're ok, but not really. Because Ashley notices that you're not here, and says so. And Galen notices you're not here, and says "Daddy no yelling". And all of it breaks my heart.
All of it.
I wanted you to love being a dad as much as I love being a mom. Or maybe half as much. Some. A little.
Because they sure do love you. Way more than any dad deserves, really. They notice your absence, and they miss you. They also notice how much quieter it is. They notice how much easier it is to navigate bedtime, to navigate the morning, to navigate the house in general. They are allowed to be loud and obnoxious and silly and goofy...and no one's yelling at them to settle down.
But that doesn't mean they don't love you. They love you. We all love you.
But we don't love the angry you. Angry you is mean. Angry you is scary. Especially to two little boys who only want you to love them. And a wife who tried so hard to show you that you were loved.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Can you stop????
I let go.
He's yours.
Why do you insist on following me around the internet? Why do you insist on making your presence known everywhere I go?
You don't need to "like" my comment on a page we both follow on facebook. I know you exist.
I had to block you on twitter.
I had to block you on all of the sites I'm a member of privately because you are joining all the groups I'm in and following my posts.
But I'm the one full of drama. :/
He's yours.
Why do you insist on following me around the internet? Why do you insist on making your presence known everywhere I go?
You don't need to "like" my comment on a page we both follow on facebook. I know you exist.
I had to block you on twitter.
I had to block you on all of the sites I'm a member of privately because you are joining all the groups I'm in and following my posts.
But I'm the one full of drama. :/
Saturday, October 1, 2016
A letter that will never be read by the person it is intended for, but needs to be written nonetheless...
I know you think I'm all kinds of crazy, full of drama, or whatever. It's ok. I'm ok being the bad person, because I've always been painted as the bad person. It doesn't matter what I've gone through, what I've put up with; It's always my fault, because I allowed people to grow rather than shut them down, and it always ultimately costs me everything. Maybe if I were selfish like everyone else in the world, this would be easier for me.
It's not.
I care.
I've seen your face. I've met your kids. I genuinely like you as a person and think that, had none of the rest of the past 6 months transpired, we would rock the fuck out of the mic at karaoke together had we met in passing. I don't want you to get hurt in the same way I don't want ANYONE to get hurt.
Anyone now includes me. And my kids. It needs to. It HAS to. I can't make you care, but I don't have to tolerate that you don't anymore. I can't make him care, either. But I don't have to tolerate the abuse, coupled with the neglect, with a cherry on top of no benefit for me.
No. Benefit.
No, him paying a little bit every month toward the rent that we're late on because he can't bother to pay a bill on time isn't a benefit. It's supposed to be what you do as an adult. It's not a benefit. A benefit would be if he were paying the correct amount, and we weren't so far behind on all of our bills. You, as an adult who handles your shit, you know this. You may not be on top of it all the time, but for fuck's sake, you try. You try HARD. I know because he worries about you. He shared his worry with me because he LOVES you. In a way he hasn't loved anyone in the past 8 years.
He has given up his family for you. Not just me. Not just his kids. His parents, his siblings, everyone. That's a HUGE sacrifice. Does it make sense? No. Is it rational? No. None of this has been rational. All of this has been unnecessary. All of this has been drama. And all of this has been taxing on those of us who benefit the least.
Today is his first visit with the boys.
First.
The first time in months he's taken them to do anything.
But, today is also the first time in 2 days that my little boy cried. He cried because he knew Daddy was coming. And Daddy is always angry. I had to reassure him that everything would be fine. He was going to have a good time.
I shouldn't have to reassure a 4 year old that Daddy is safe. You know what I mean. You've had those moments with your kids. Maybe not with their dads, but you've had to reassure them that things were going to be ok.
I guess my point is...he has given up EVERYTHING for you. Make it worthwhile. Don't break him right back.
At the same time, be on your guard. Don't let him walk all over you. Don't let him take his anger out on you. And hold him accountable. Do it early.
Or, in 8 years, you will be writing this. To someone else.
It's not.
I care.
I've seen your face. I've met your kids. I genuinely like you as a person and think that, had none of the rest of the past 6 months transpired, we would rock the fuck out of the mic at karaoke together had we met in passing. I don't want you to get hurt in the same way I don't want ANYONE to get hurt.
Anyone now includes me. And my kids. It needs to. It HAS to. I can't make you care, but I don't have to tolerate that you don't anymore. I can't make him care, either. But I don't have to tolerate the abuse, coupled with the neglect, with a cherry on top of no benefit for me.
No. Benefit.
No, him paying a little bit every month toward the rent that we're late on because he can't bother to pay a bill on time isn't a benefit. It's supposed to be what you do as an adult. It's not a benefit. A benefit would be if he were paying the correct amount, and we weren't so far behind on all of our bills. You, as an adult who handles your shit, you know this. You may not be on top of it all the time, but for fuck's sake, you try. You try HARD. I know because he worries about you. He shared his worry with me because he LOVES you. In a way he hasn't loved anyone in the past 8 years.
He has given up his family for you. Not just me. Not just his kids. His parents, his siblings, everyone. That's a HUGE sacrifice. Does it make sense? No. Is it rational? No. None of this has been rational. All of this has been unnecessary. All of this has been drama. And all of this has been taxing on those of us who benefit the least.
Today is his first visit with the boys.
First.
The first time in months he's taken them to do anything.
But, today is also the first time in 2 days that my little boy cried. He cried because he knew Daddy was coming. And Daddy is always angry. I had to reassure him that everything would be fine. He was going to have a good time.
I shouldn't have to reassure a 4 year old that Daddy is safe. You know what I mean. You've had those moments with your kids. Maybe not with their dads, but you've had to reassure them that things were going to be ok.
I guess my point is...he has given up EVERYTHING for you. Make it worthwhile. Don't break him right back.
At the same time, be on your guard. Don't let him walk all over you. Don't let him take his anger out on you. And hold him accountable. Do it early.
Or, in 8 years, you will be writing this. To someone else.
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